Been awhile since I have been to the church. Seems like I have lost touch with my spiritual life of recent and there seems to be a little voice saying I need to go. It might be the one thing after this breakup I need to help me move forward into whatever is the next stage of my life is. Another is to get over the loss of a job that may have not lead anywhere for me.
During the service the pastor talked about convergence zones in our lives. Parts of our lives that have storms that come and go. Where the light and the darkness both exists. Like most of the Seattle area is in, right now I am in a convergence zone in my life. I may had some before, but this one is the most recent and painful to me. At the moment the darkness that is in my life is the unknown and uncertainty that came when I lost both my job and relationship with someone. The light is the love and forgiveness of my family and friends who had to suffer for the past two years on neglect. In this convergence zone is where our greatest strengths arise, and where our roads in our lives are formed. We choose to take the storm head on or stand in it blindly. People will betray us, people will deceive us, some will even find their actions and beliefs will one day turn on them. In our time of greatest trial, comes our greatest gift to the world.
I have been betrayed by a man I loved dearly and wanted to make the relationship work. He deceived me, lied to me, and gave up on me. In his betrayal I found the strength to move forward in the best way possible, but in a way, I found that just like Judas betrayed Jesus, He betrayed me even when I gave him love, kindness and strength. In his heart he made the decision to listen to evil, by doing an evil thing towards me. The pastor said there will be those who will come into your life to give you a test of how your faith in God will be and in yourself. I think Dennis was put into my life as a test to see how much faith I had in a person and how I will go on from being betrayed by someone I love and cared about. In a way, He failed that test by not working through the problems together in our relationship.In the end I hope he will one day see this and find a way to pass this test to someone else who comes into his life. Another thing that was said, God will give and take things in our lives. I believe God put Dennis into my life for a purpose and then found a way for him to leave my life. This reason was to either to teach me Dennis was not the one for me, or a lesson for Dennis to figure out. Either way we will go on to live our lives and go where our roads take us.
As for the other storm in my present life, loosing a job. I found I thought I was doing Gods work by helping people get the life saving blood they need to live. Then I found that the work I did do was not really the work I wanted to do for the world, more like work to profit off others free donations of blood. I found co-workers not really dedicated to saving lives as I previously thought. I believe God has decided to move me toward another place to do what He wants me to do for the world. And in this, I will gladly go if meant to be.
Loss and strength is what I will need in the coming months. I am a Phoenix that will rise from the ashes of my old life, I will close this chapter of my life and open another chapter to be written. On the day when I finally meet God, I will have a full life I can say I lived. I have loved and I have lost. In the end, I will rise again a stronger person then I was before.